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Football transfer rumours: Chelsea on the hunt for Porto’s Hulk?

Published: May 24, 2012 | 9:02 am
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Today’s hocus-pocus has gone for the boating look

News International has had a troubled year or so, readers, during which time its reputation has dropped lower than the deep end at the Dead Sea Leisure Centre. So it’s good to see the Sun attempting to give something back to society in these troubled times with a story that can bring us all together. “Premier League fizz ban for Muslims” it shouts on the front page of its website in a valiant attempt to bring cross-cultural understanding kicking and screaming into the 16th century. Still,being a tip-top news organisation and not some kind of bile-filled hate rag trying to stir up trouble, the Sun will no doubt have at least one named person willing to go on record and back the story up. Eh? Oh.

“The bank is all over the [Premier League man of the match champagne] bottle, so Barclays wonder whether it is acceptable to give alcohol, given that so many nationalities are in the league,” says a “source”. So that’s no name to the source, no mention of Muslims anywhere in the quote and a non-story that’s made the world a little worse. THANKS!

Anyway, back to transfer gossip. The Express reckons Chelsea are willing to stump up £30m for Porto striker and Avengers co-star Hulk. The Portuguese side want £38m though – £30m for Hulk and £8m for Dr Bruce Banner, who can also double up on the medical staff and as a special adviser on the side-effects of gamma radiation. Plus there’s a very small chance he’ll bring Black Widow along as his date to the Christmas party.

The Mirror reckons Chelsea will raise the money for that double swoop by unloading all kinds of Champions League-winning talent. José Bosingwa and Salomon Kalou will leave this summer, while Frank Lampard, Michael Essien, Paulo Ferreira and Florent Malouda may also be invited to do the proverbial one. David Luiz will be retained solely in the hope that he’ll do another one of those ludicrously entertaining five-mile run-ups for a penalty.

Chelsea aren’t finished there though, oh no. The Mirror says Demba Ba is refusing to renegotiate his contract, which has a £7m release clause, with Newcastle. That’s sent the suits at Chelsea into paroxysms of joy and got Manchester United and Spurs pretty excited too – they’re also after the striker.

At the CBBC end of the spectrum, Chelsea, Arsenal and the Manchesters City and United are battling it out for Birmingham City’s 13-year-old prodigy Foday Nabay. He played for England Under-16s last summer and the sad fact is that he was probably a better player at three than you were/will be at 25. Unless you’re Lionel Messi.

Spurs are looking to bounce back from their Champions League disappointment with the signing of some world-class talent. If you define “world-class” as a West Brom defender and a Nottingham Forest teenager. Yup, Harry Redknapp is considering moves for Jonas Olsson and Forest’s England Under-19 international Jamaal Lascelles. He’ll also offer Gareth Bale £70,000 a week to stay at White Hart Lane. Redknapp that is, not Lascelles – it’s doubtful he has £70,000 a week to spareand even if he did, he would probably want to spend it on DVDs and maybe the odd trip to the cinema.

Paul Lambert will have a think about leaving Norwich to manage Aston Villa, realise that recreating the mind-numbing drudgery of Alex McLeish’s reign is too much for him and stay in East Anglia.

Mark van Bommel is so terrifying that he has rocketed to near the top of the Mohs scale of hardness, just above corundum and just below diamond. So Arjen Robben better listen up when the Holland captain says he should leave Bayern Munich after fans booed him following his Champions League performance issues.

“If I was Arjen, I would start thinking about whether I still want to play football there, even if my contract has just been renewed,” roared Van Bommel, while fighting barehanded with a great white shark and yeti. “Arjen is very strong mentally, and comes back stronger each time after every setback. I don’t know what Arjen is going to do but this is a disgrace,” he added, dusting himself off and walking away from the battered bodies of the shark-yeti combination.



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